


Cigarette Daydreams

by purestilinski



Series: it's just enough to know it's there [1]
Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: Domestic Violence, Drinking, Past Child Abuse, Self-Hatred, Smoking, Triggers, Unrequited Love, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:21:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23088481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purestilinski/pseuds/purestilinski
Summary: At age twelve, when her English teacher asks her the point of love, Tori doesn’t know how to respond. At age fifteen, her parents get divorced. At age sixteen, she meets Jade West. At age twenty-three, she knows she has her answer.Or: Love has never been kind to Tori.
Relationships: Tori Vega/Jade West
Series: it's just enough to know it's there [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1939309
Comments: 33
Kudos: 180





	Cigarette Daydreams

**Author's Note:**

> This has been a long time coming. I started this around winter break when I was in a bad place and it's finally done. It's completely different from my normal style. I don't write this way, ever. But I'm really proud of it. 
> 
> I already put it in the tags, but this story has triggers that include domestic violence, past child abuse, and substance abuse by a minor character. 
> 
> Be prepared for a journey filled with feels my friends :)

“What’s the point of love?”

At age twelve, the first time Tori Vega is asked the question, she has no idea how to respond. How could she? She hasn’t even hit puberty yet. 

She knows the scientific answer because she’s a brainiac and - according to her teachers - too smart for her own age.

Lust, the need for sexual gratification, is fueled by estrogen and testosterone and controlled by the brain’s hypothalamus. Evolutionarily speaking, the basis for lust is the need to reproduce, something all humans possess. 

Attraction, meanwhile, satisfies one’s urges for a “reward”. Dopamine, also produced by the hypothalamus, and norepinephrine, produced by the adrenal medulla, are released when someone feels attraction. The reward for attraction is a feeling of elation, something akin to euphoria. 

If someone is attracted to another person for the long-term, a.k.a. a person in love, two other hormones - oxytocin and vasopressin - are activated to strengthen attachment. Oxytocin is released in large quantities during sex, childbirth, and breastfeeding. 

Thus, scientifically speaking, the point of love is to make people feel good. 

But she knows Mrs. Velaska, her Introduction to Advanced English teacher, is not looking for that answer. She’s in an English class, after all. Her teacher wants a response that details the meaning of life and happiness - a response that’s as captivating as laying on a worn picnic blanket and watching as the sun sets and the shining stars fill up the night’s sky.

But Tori’s mind draws a blank because she’s only ever had bad experiences with love. 

Her parents fight constantly. 

Sometimes, they resolve their bickering with a small dispute and a half-hearted apology that is never genuine. 

More often than not, the arguments escalate into screaming matches ripe with cuss words that she and her sister are not allowed to say. 

On too many occasions, the fights turn physical and her parents wind up hurting each other or Tori. It’s the reason there is a scar, caused by a glass shard from a broken beer bottle, located just above Tori’s eyebrow. 

Trina never suffers any of the damage, despite being the older sister. Trina’s a dependent person; she can’t look after herself and, as a result, Tori became her protector at a young age. She keeps the older Vega away from their parent’s outbursts. Their relationship has always worked that way. 

So, she can’t answer her teacher’s question because both the grand literary meaning of love and the scientific meaning of love do not apply to her. She rests her head in the crook of her elbow and tunes out her teacher’s voice. Her eyes wander to the stereotypical white classroom clock with a black frame, counting the minutes until the period is over and she can go get garlic bread from the cafeteria. She thinks it’s probably sad that that’s the highlight of her day. But she doesn’t have any friends.

Trina’s the one with all of those.

* * *

At age fifteen, her parents have finally had enough.

She’s descending the stairs for dinner, her sister trailing closely behind her, when she starts making out her parents’ increasingly loud voices. They were trying to be quiet but, as with a lot of things in life, they failed. Tori realizes it sounds harsh. But she doesn’t care. She hates her parents. 

“David,” her mom says, a warning evident in her voice. “Put the bottle away. The girls are coming down for dinner.” 

Her dad mumbles something in reply and, when Tori’s head peaks into the kitchen from her vantage point on the stairs, she sees a half-empty bottle of Sinatra Select Jack Daniel’s Tennessee whiskey in his trembling hands. The fancy glass bottle and the amber liquid inside it was a 43rd birthday gift from his partner, Gary. 

In his late thirties, Gary is a bit younger than her father. He’s Caucasian with blonde hair and, aside from his thick goatee, he kind of reminds her of a younger Daniel Craig. He’s nice, funny, and always the center of attention at parties. And he seems to really like Tori and Trina, bringing them thoughtful and expensive gifts for their birthdays and the holidays. 

Tori, under normal circumstances, would probably like Gary.

She doesn’t. She hates his guts because he’s been having an affair with her mother for nearly a year now and, judging by her father’s worsening drinking problem, she has a feeling he’s started to suspect it. 

Her suspicions are confirmed when she hears her dad’s next words.

“Yes or no, Holly?” There’s no danger in his voice, no sign that he’s going to lash out. But Tori knows better, knows that this is just the calm before the storm. 

“What are you talking about?” Annoyance laces her mother’s words. 

“You know damn well what I’m talking about.” He brings the bottle back up to his lips and takes a giant gulp. Tori’s always been surprised by how much he can drink without actually being _drunk_. 

“ _Fine_. Yes,” admits her mom without remorse. 

Tori knows what's about to happen before it does. She spins around and guides Trina back up the stairs without looking at her, tugging her sister through the long hallway.

“Tori, what’s going on?” 

Tori stops outside the door to her bedroom at the end of the hallway. Trina’s always preferred Tori’s room; she insists that it makes her feel safe. Tori can’t understand how that’s possible when she’s never felt safe in it herself. But she doesn’t question it. She turns to her sister. “Just stay here. Okay, Trina?” Trina’s eyes are wide with fright and confusion so Tori runs a soothing hand up and down her shoulder. 

“Tori?” Her name is a scared whisper on her sister’s lips. 

“I’ll come get you when it’s over, okay?” 

For a brief moment, as her sister opens her mouth to respond, Tori feels a flash of resentment. She wishes with every fiber of her being that their roles were reversed. That she was the one being cared for. But she knows it will never happen, that no one will care for her as much as she cares about others. 

She opens the door and pushes Trina into the room right when the screams start. They’re unintelligible, just shouts with no meaning behind them. Tori takes up her position on the stairs again and watches her mother throw the first plate - an inexpensive one that they used for casual dinners. She assumes the intended target was her father, but her mother’s aim is so bad that it hits the Rhythm Clocks Grand Nostalgia Entertainer antique that is mounted on the kitchen wall. Both objects shatter. Tori never liked that clock anyway. 

“Holly, _stop_ ,” hisses Dad. He’s stopped several feet in front of her, his hands above his head in apparent surrender. He still has the Jack Daniels bottle in his right hand. 

Mom doesn’t listen, lunging across the counter for the expensive China. Her hand wraps around Tori’s favorite - a Blue Canton with pretty flower designs that spread outward from the center. Tori forcibly reminds herself to stay where she is because she _really_ doesn’t want another scar. This time her mother’s aim is true, the plate hitting her dad square in the chest. He grunts at the impact, stumbling backward. The whiskey bottle falls from his hand and Tori watches in horror as it falls with the plate, creating a shower of broken pieces that embed themselves into her father’s feet. The resulting scream of pain is so mind-numbingly and ear-piercingly loud that she has to cover her ears in order to muffle it. 

“ _What the fuck_!” Her father, blood flowing from his feet, crosses the remaining distance across the kitchen and slaps her mother across the face. 

Afterward, the two stare at each other, their bodies so close that they pant into each other’s faces. Mom is the first to break away. Her eyes fill with tears as sobs silently rack her body. She pushes Dad backward and practically sprints out of the house, slamming the door shut behind her.

Tori faintly recognizes that she should be feeling something like devastation or red-hot anger but all she feels is numbness and mild disappointment that her mother hadn’t chosen a different plate to destroy.

* * *

A week later, when Tori finds the papers carelessly left on the coffee table, the reason for divorce listed as irreconcilable differences, her laugh is bitter. 

She lays awake that night, tossing and turning in a futile attempt to sleep. Her parents’ situation had been worsening for years but, despite this, Tori had never thought of the possibility that they would actually _end things_. That, after all of these years, one of them would just walk out. She knows it is for the best and, for the most part, she’s ecstatic that their pathetic excuse of a marriage is over. Dad did not know how to be a good husband, just as Mom did not know how to be a good wife. And neither knew how to be a good parent.

Still, a minuscule amount of self-loathing claws its way from the depths of her stomach, expanding as it slithers through her chest and up her neck before settling itself into her head. _It’s your fault_ , the voice tells her. _Maybe if you knew how to be a better daughter they would have tried harder_. 

Trina’s always been everyone’s favorite - her parents’, the teachers’, their classmates'. Even the one friend Tori had managed to make, Carly, had replaced her with her older sister before moving to Seattle.

* * *

At age sixteen, Tori spills coffee all over the front of a cute boy’s band t-shirt and gray denim jacket. His dark brown hair is long and wavy, easily his most noticeable feature. He’s also tall. If Tori had to guess, he’s right around six-feet. A long silver chain that is wrapped through his belt hoops and falls just below his pocket makes a dulled metallic sound as the two collide. 

Tori flushes with embarrassment and berates herself for her clumsiness. Her first class hasn’t even started and she is already making a fool of herself. She rubs at the mess she made in a useless attempt to fix the damage. 

“Here, I think it’s coming out.”

“You might be making it worse, actually.” The boy chuckles good-naturedly, clearly not too bothered by his unfortunate situation.

It does little to ease the awkwardness Tori feels, which is only amplified when the door swings open again.

“Dude, why are you rubbing my boyfriend?” 

The voice belongs to a brown-haired girl with an absurd variety of highlights in her hair. Blue is the most prominent color, but she can also spot blonde, pink, and white. She is shorter than her boyfriend and barely taller than Tori. Two metallic studs crown her thick, angled eyebrows and another piercing adorns her nose. Dark eyeshadow contrasts stern blue-green eyes. Her ensemble is mainly comprised of black, save for a silver heart necklace around her neck. Even the nautical star tattoo on her right forearm is left uncolored. 

Tori is instantly captivated. 

She knows what her body is doing at that given moment. Her hypothalamus is releasing dopamine while her adrenal medulla works to produce norepinephrine. Changes in her hormones are creating an attraction to the girl in front of her. But all she can focus on is that she suddenly feels like she is overheating and that her heart has shifted into sports mode. 

Her brain isn’t processing anything properly and she finds herself stumbling over her next words. “I just - I spilled coffee on-” 

“Get away from him.” 

Tori can’t react to the command as she finds herself frozen in place, unable to do anything except stare like a fish out of water at this very agitated, very good-looking girl. 

The boy turns quickly, smiling widely at his girlfriend. “Relax,” he whispers in a placating voice, placing a kiss on her cheek. 

Their teacher, Mr. Sikowitz, is batshit crazy and dresses like a hippie. He’s also balding at the top of his head. On the board, he writes phrases that make no sense like "Improv is like a fine cheese, but not really." 

He’s already Tori’s favorite teacher. 

Unfortunately, she doesn’t get to experience the entire class session because ten minutes later, after brief introductions and during the first improv scene Tori has ever done, Jade pours cold coffee in her hair.

Tori runs out of the room, tears of humiliation stinging her eyes, and goes home for the rest of the day.

* * *

Tori takes the two weeks of detention and additional punishment of scraping the Blackbox Theater clean of food from the middle school’s play without complaint to Counselor Lane. She knows that she didn’t actually hit Jade with the cane, that Jade was faking it the whole time to make Tori look like a horrible person. 

The goth girl adamantly dislikes her for reasons Tori does not understand. Beck had informed his girlfriend that the coffee incident was nothing more than an _accident_. Tori had tried being friendly. Even Andre had asked Jade to back off. Nothing seemed to convince the other girl to drop this one-sided rivalry. And, although most of the kids at school think both girls enjoy making the other suffer, her previous statement is the truth. The rivalry _is_ one-sided. Tori likes Jade, though she won’t admit it out loud. She admires the other girl’s assertive personality and passion for the arts. Jade’s dark humor - which Tori actually finds amusing, sassiness, sarcasm, even her grouchiness and borderline creepy obsession with scissors, are fascinating to her. 

She doesn't want this girl as her enemy. Only three weeks have passed since she started at her new school and Tori is already tired of the bickering and fighting. So, she accepts the stupid and undeserved consequences of her nonexistent actions. 

She’s been scraping for thirty minutes when Jade walks in and grabs a blue bucket and scraper tool, taking Tori by surprise. Neither girl talks as they work to get food off of the wall side-by-side, the wordless apology loud in the uncomfortable silence. Tori can’t help herself as she watches Jade out of the corner of her eyes. She’s wearing less makeup than on the first day of school and the only highlights in her hair are colored pink. Her wardrobe is also brighter - a red v-neck partially covered by an open light brown and purple button-up checkered shirt. 

As time goes by, Jade hooks her PearPhone up to the Blackbox’s sound system. Tori doesn’t recognize the band, but the music is upbeat and poppy. She has a feeling that Jade put it on because she thought Tori would like it - which she does - and not because it’s what the goth typically listens to. 

The silence between them soon grows comfortable.

* * *

When Tori gets home that night, the sight of her mother sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of wine in her hand doesn’t ruin her mood as much as it normally does. 

“Someone’s in a good mood tonight,” her mom comments, a smile on her face. 

Tori hums her assent, speed-walking her way into the kitchen and opening the refrigerator to grab the pitcher of lemonade. She fills her glass halfway and eagerly takes a sip of her favorite drink, a pleased sound leaving her. 

“I thought you had to clean up your school’s theater.” Her mother sips at the blood-red liquid, turning her body to face her daughter. Her tiredness is evident in the slump of her posture and the worn lines of her forehead. She’s still dressed in her business suit, her briefcase filled with legal documents at her feet. 

Bits and pieces of the lawsuit her mother is working on pop into Tori’s mind. She can’t remember what it is about, but she knows it’s important. Tori glances at the microwave’s display, the time reading _10:07_. She frowns, surprised that her mom is still awake. 

“I did.” 

“So, why the happy face?” Mom sounds genuinely intrigued. She leans closer, a hopeful look in her eyes as she gazes at her daughter. 

Tori is in no mood to share.

“No reason.” 

Her mother lets out a frustrated sigh, displeased at her unwillingness to share, and rubs her face in her hands. She hardly ever tells her mother anything because the older woman has always made it clear that Tori’s her least favorite child. It was like that since Tori was a little girl, right up until the divorce was finalized and her dad moved out. Since then, it’s like her mother has been trying to make up for wasted years. Tori is not interested. As far as she is concerned, their strained relationship only counted as mother-daughter due to blood. 

“Tori,” her mother starts slowly, pinching her forehead, “why won’t you _talk_ to me?” 

Tori shrugs, gulping down the last of her drink before putting it in the dishwasher and starting the nightly load. “Goodnight,” she says instead of answering.

As she ascends the staircase to her room, she tries her best to ignore the faint sobbing that fills her ears.

* * *

Tori sits with the group - Andre, Cat, Robbie, Rex, Beck, and Jade - during lunch now. 

Andre is fun to be around and shares common interests with her. He is passionate about his song-writing and encouraging in his belief in her abilities. Aside from Cat, he is the most warm-hearted of them all, always offering an ear when Tori has something on her mind. He quickly becomes her best friend and confidant. 

Cat is extremely sweet and too sensitive for her own good. The girl _never_ gets angry, only upset. Her bubbly and cheerful personality leaves Tori feeling a little jealous. Tori can’t remember the last time she ever felt excited at the simple fact that she was _alive_ , something the redheaded girl is cheerful about every day. Cat is best taken in moderate doses. 

Robbie is nowhere near as bad as Jade says he is. In fact, he is actually a really nice boy. He’s shy and so awkward that he more often than not makes a fool out of himself. He’s also a little weird. But he doesn’t have an unhealthy obsession with scissors like a certain _someone_ , so Tori really finds no problem with his peculiarness. Rex, Robbie’s best friend, is comical. Tori enjoys his company far more than she lets on. 

Beck is kind in a soft-spoken way. He is not overtly nice like Cat, but he finds little ways to let people know he cares. He’s also the least emotional out of the whole group. The only time he even raises his voice is if Jade starts a fight with him. The more Tori gets to know him, the more she notices how mature he is for their age. Wordless glances between them convey a mutual and intimate knowledge of tragedy. More than once, Tori wants to ask him about it before deciding that the topic is too personal. She doesn't want to give his girlfriend another reason to lash out at her. 

Tori and Jade are still not friends. But they are not exactly enemies either. Jade’s newfound hobby is insulting Tori. There is always a daring look in her eyes when she unleashes a taunt, like she's waiting for a different side of Tori to come out and play. More times than she would like to admit, Tori gives in. She likes going toe-to-toe with Jade. On the rare occasion that she can one-up the girl, she revels in the flustered look that signifies her victory. 

The line that separates their current relationship from that of enemies has only been crossed twice since their unspoken truce a month-and-a-half ago. Both times, Jade had thought Tori was flirting with Beck and retaliated. And both times, Tori had to stop herself from laughing out loud.

Beck is cute, but Tori’s crush is on Jade. 

* * *

The night after Jade dumps Beck because of his friendship with Alyssa Vaughn, the doorbell rings. 

Tori grumbles to herself, wondering who could be at her door and debating if she should even answer it. She is not equipped for visitors. Her hair is wet from the shower, her face absent of makeup products. She is dressed in a pair of red flannel pajamas. The oversized _Let the Good Times Roll_ bowling t-shirt that sprawls down to just above her knees does nothing to help her disheveled appearance. 

Opening the front door, she instantly regrets her decision to be lazy for the night. Jade is staring back at her, dried tears staining her pouting face. She’s never seen Jade sad before and a sudden urge to pull the other girl into a tight embrace is overwhelming. Instead, she leads Jade to the couch, where she guides the other girl's trembling body into a sitting position. 

Jade doesn't speak. Unwilling to prod the emotional girl for answers she is clearly not ready to give yet, Tori takes the casual approach of a host. “Lemonade?” 

After receiving a nod, Tori makes her way to the kitchen. She takes her time as she grabs two cups from the cupboard and the lemonade pitcher from the refrigerator. She's not sure what to expect from Jade’s surprise visit and, briefly, it crosses her mind that she never gave Jade her address. Had Andre told her where she lives? 

She pours their drinks slowly, stalling the moments until she has to confront the not-quite-friend-not-quite-enemy that is currently sitting in her living room. Jade ruins her plan when she states, “I want Beck back.” It is evident that the goth has started crying again. She can’t keep the tears out of her voice. 

Tori quickens her pace and finishes up in the kitchen, handing Jade her cup. 

“Jade, slow down,” she says when the other girl almost chokes from drinking too fast. She knows she shouldn’t rub Jade’s back; they aren't close enough for intimate touching and Jade throws a fit whenever someone besides Beck makes contact with her, but Tori does so soothingly. Jade doesn’t comment on it, much to her shock, and Tori waits until she takes a few small sips before addressing the reason for the other girl’s unannounced visit. “If you want to get back together with Beck, then why don’t you just tell him?”

“I did, but he rejected me.” Jade's voice wavers, pain coloring her words as she exposes herself to Tori. 

Tori is using her nails now, leaving feather-like scratches atop Jade’s black shirt. She wonders if she should stop, if she is taking it too far, but the only way she _can_ stop is if Jade pulls away. She doesn’t. 

She is gentle with her next words, not wanting to anger the vulnerable girl next to her. “Jade...we’re not even friends. Why...why are you coming to me for help?” 

Tori expects a cruel remark. Instead, the girl buries herself deeper into Tori’s side, her heaving breath hot against the exposed flesh of the half-Latina's neck. Suddenly, Tori forgets how to function properly as her brain melts and she stills against the pressure of the other girl’s body. Wetness trickles down her neck and onto the front of her shirt. Her body instinctively pulls back in surprise but she finds herself stuck when Jade’s arms fling around her shoulders. Before she can tell herself that she _really_ needs to stop with the constant touching, her fingers have worked their way underneath Jade’s shirt to lightly caress pale skin. 

“I don’t know,” whispers Jade. She sounds so _broken_ that Tori, who has not cried because of someone else’s pain in so long, finds herself on the verge of tears. 

It’s then that she realizes she would do anything to protect the girl in her arms. 

She assures Jade that she will help her get Beck back. A small part of her, the ugly selfish part, murmurs that she shouldn’t. That Beck doesn’t _deserve_ the girl clinging to her, which is silly because, although Tori is jealous of his status in Jade’s life, Beck is a fundamentally good person who also happens to be her friend. 

She ignores the voice.

* * *

Days later, Tori is in the passenger seat of Jade’s car, on the way home after successfully bringing the couple back together. She is captivated by the bright smile on Jade’s face, though she hides it well enough. The truth is, while she is glad the other girl is happy again, she feels hollow. The emotion is not a foreign feeling to her. She has felt it for most of her life, an aching emptiness that starts in her cracked heart and spreads through her bloodstream. 

_What would your friends think if they knew the real you?_

A warm hand slips into hers and saves her from her self-hatred.

“Thank you, Tori.” 

_Tori...not Vega._

The tight squeeze of her hand is the only reply Tori gives, but it conveys everything she needs it to.

* * *

It’s safe to call them friends now. At least, she thinks it is. To the outside observer, nothing changes between the two of them. Jade still pokes fun at her and Tori still takes the bait. And while Jade’s voice conveys coldness and a dislike that has not truly been there for some time, her stunning teal eyes twinkle with playfulness. 

They rarely hang out just the two of them. When they do, they’re usually studying for a test in Jade’s bedroom, which is a complete contrast to her own. The room is bathed in emerald green mood lighting. Various band posters surround a queen-sized bed covered with black satin sheets. Metallica, Linkin Park, The Clash, Green Day, and Thirty Seconds to Mars are the most familiar to Tori. Others, like Breaking Benjamin, A Day To Remember, Avenged Sevenfold, Heavens to Betsy, and Bikini Kill, she has not heard of. 

She doesn't mind the comfortable silence that usually encases them during moments like these. Jade is the silent-type and, when Tori isn’t surrounded by a group of people, she sheds her facade and becomes much more reserved herself. Every once in a while, they speak to each other, Jade from atop her bed and Tori from the comfortable carpeted floor. Piece by piece, hour by hour, they start to build a more complete picture of each other. 

When Tori first spots the wall display housing a pair of diamond-encrusted scissors with a flaming dragon’s head just underneath the blades, she is not surprised in the least. 

She smiles widely.

* * *

Tori grins, bringing her Smirnoff Ice up to her lips to take a swig. 

The weekend night’s air is cool against her exposed skin, but it’s mostly counteracted by the fire pit next to her reclining pool chair. 

Andre and Cat sit in their own recliners next to her, while Robbie shares one with Rex. 

They’re in their Junior year now, though nothing has really changed with the others. Andre’s hair is slightly longer, Cat’s slightly darker, Jade's a raven color, and really, that’s it. 

Tori had just broken up with her first girlfriend earlier in the week, though no one knows this. 

The relationship was kept secret; she isn’t ready to come out yet. 

She’s not even really sure what to come out as; she likes girls but she’s also pretty sure she likes boys too. 

One thing she knows for sure is she didn’t have feelings for her ex. 

There’s only one person she has feelings for. And she’s taken. 

_Yay._

She ignores the twinge she feels in her chest, swallowing more vodka. 

“Tori!” exclaims Cat, waving her hands in front of the half-Latina’s face to get her attention. 

“Huh? What’s up?” she asks, placing her now empty Smirnoff Ice in the small pile the four of them have accumulated. 

She picks up an unopened one and twists the cap off. 

“Did you watch my last YouTube video?” Cat asks expectantly. 

“Jade’s Scissors Review #8? Yeah, I watched it.”

Tori still doesn’t know how the redhead is allowed access to Jade’s private collection. 

“Yay!” Cat says, clapping her hands together enthusiastically. “What’d you think?”

She takes the first sip of her next Smirnoff Ice. “I liked it.” 

“I’m almost at 100,000 subscribers!” 

Andre slings an arm around her, giving her a side hug. “You want to do that for a career, Red?” 

Cat frowns, tilting her head to the side. “Do you think I can?” 

“Do _you_ think you can?” asks Andre seriously. 

“I think so,” Cat shrugs, though she still seems uncertain. 

“No, you _know_ so,” encourages Tori. “Be confident, Cat.” 

“You’ll succeed in whatever you want to do, Cat,” Robbie chimes in. 

At Robbie’s words, Cat finally seems sure of herself. The redhead throws her arms around their awkward friend, who stiffens in surprise before hugging her back.

Tori smiles; it’s only a matter of time before the two of them are dating. 

She sips her Smirnoff as her friends continue chatting. Occasionally, she joins in the conversation, but she winds up listening more than anything. She’s not much of a talker anymore, not that she really ever had been. Plus, she’s starting to feel a little woozy from the alcohol, so she leans back in her recliner and puts her hands behind her head. 

Somehow, they find themselves on the topic of Minecraft. Robbie, Andre, and Cat talk about enchantments, different dimensions, and other things she doesn’t understand as she finishes her fourth bottle of the night. She reaches for a fifth; she’s still feeling fine. She tries to keep up with the conversation, but she finds herself thinking about Jade instead. Without realizing it, Tori sneaks a peek at the natural-looking stone hot tub that the goth girl is relaxing in to find her straddling Beck and kissing him. 

Something sick twists within her at the sight and she stands up on wobbly legs. 

“Tori, you okay?” asks Andre, raising an eyebrow at her. 

“Yeah, I’m good.” Her words are shaky from barely restrained anger, but she isn’t slurring yet, so she knows she isn’t _too_ drunk. “I’m just gonna go inside for a minute.” 

She hurries to the door, downing half of her fifth bottle quickly. As she pulls the slider open, she can feel Jade’s gaze burning into her back. 

She slams the slider shut with more force than necessary. 

Thankfully, Jade’s mom and brother are gone for the weekend, so she doesn’t feel weird entering the goth’s home in her blue bikini. Still, she slides on her black leggings and a comfy, oversized Hollywood Arts hoodie before putting on her shoes and walking out the front door.

She isn’t leaving, but she needs space from her friends. She walks a little way up the hiking trail next to Jade’s gigantic house before taking a seat in the grass. She sips on the rest of her alcohol slowly, humming quietly to herself. 

She hates how angry she feels, both with herself and with Beck. Beck has never done anything to warrant her bitterness other than date Jade. But she’s still angry with him. And she’s angry at herself for feeling the way she does. 

She pulls her hood up when the chilly air starts to irritate her nose. 

Should she tell someone her thoughts? 

She considers telling Andre but she’s not sure her friend would be helpful in this situation. Trina would be useless; she would probably wind up telling Jade. Her parents are off-limits as she refuses to tell them anything important about her life. 

Should she just tell Jade? 

How would Jade react? 

She sees the girl in question through a window that looks into the kitchen. Jade’s wearing one of Beck’s too-big shirts and she looks like she’s looking for Tori. 

Tori watches her, admiring her beauty, when her cell phone rings. She fishes it out of her hoodie pocket, rolling her eyes when she sees the name of the caller.

She accepts the call. “What?” 

“Tori.” Her mother sounds like she’s in tears. 

She frowns. “What?” she repeats. 

“Can you come home?” 

“Why?” She’s starting to worry. 

“It’s your father,” her mom hiccups. 

“What about him?” Dread fills her. 

“He’s - just...just come home,” her mom commands shakily.

With one last look at Jade, she calls a Lyft and leaves without saying goodbye to her friends.

* * *

Her dad had died from an accidental overdose of a sleeping pill and alcohol concoction. 

Trina had maintained the closest relationship with their father over the years, so she’s affected by the brunt of the death. 

Tori’s not sure what she feels. Numb, certainly. 

But she also yells and breaks her mirror with her fists before crying in a heap on the floor, blood pouring from her knuckles. 

She _fucking_ hates life. 

She wants to ask Jade to hold her and tell her everything is going to be alright, like Tori has done for the other girl. But she doesn’t. 

She takes two weeks off from school before showing up out of the blue one morning. When her friends find out about her dad’s passing, they do their best to comfort her. They refuse to leave her side, taking her to places like Disneyland and Malibu. 

It’s sweet, she thinks.

She loves her friends, but nothing they do really cheers her up. 

She just wants to be alone with Jade. 

Still, after a few days, Tori slips back into her happy facade, grinning and laughing like a professional.

She’s getting really good at pretending.

* * *

Tori, over the months of their Senior year, becomes a rock to Jade when the girl is at her lowest and most fragile. 

She doesn’t know exactly how it happens, how Jade instead of Tori is the one to push them far beyond the point of friends by association. But she doesn’t think it’s far-fetched to say that she’s Jade’s best friend at this point. She doubts even Cat knows as much about Jade as she does now. 

She knows that Jade’s favorite coffee is a caramel macchiato with an extra shot of espresso, two pumps of vanilla, and five pumps of caramel syrup. A few months ago, when Tori first learned this fact, she immediately went to the store and bought all of the necessary ingredients to make the drink. When her mom asked her about it, she simply said that she had started drinking coffee - which wasn’t a lie. She has one Jade-style caramel macchiato every morning. She insists to her mother and sister that the drink tastes good, and it does, but the important part is that it reminds her of Jade. 

She knows that Jade’s favorite color besides black is actually yellow. 

That, despite her outward interest in creepy-crawlies, she is enraptured by cute animals - dogs, cats, koalas, owls, and quokkas are her top five. 

That cotton candy is her favorite sweet. 

She couldn’t stop herself from laughing when Jade told her the last one, the image of the goth girl eating the bright pink dessert too absurd for her to keep a straight face. 

She knows that Jade actually _craves_ the human touch that she so often denies herself - except where Tori is concerned. That she sleeps with a weighted blanket in order to simulate the warmth of a human body next to hers. That the reason Jade is so outwardly cruel is that she doesn’t want to _need_ people and it absolutely, positively _terrifies_ her that she does. 

Jade arrives at Tori’s house on the first night of winter break, tears flowing freely as she runs into the half-Latina’s arms. Tori, knowing exactly what the other girl needs, runs her hands through tawny hair. The calming hum of Kenny Loggins’s "All The Pretty Little Ponies" soon causes staggered breathing to steady. Jade’s never told Tori if she even likes Kenny Loggins, but Tori has used the song to soothe Jade a few times now. It’s what allowed Tori to fall asleep when she was a young girl and had trouble sleeping.

(She still does, but she has no one and nothing to help her now.)

Her eyes widen at the truth of the realization. Even now, with a group of six friends to call her own, she has _no one_ that she can share the depths of her pain with. Andre knows bits and pieces, but she can’t bring herself to burden him with the full story. He’s too kind-hearted and pure for that sort of darkness. 

She wants _so badly_ to share these parts of herself with Jade, but Jade is friends with the kind and upbeat personality that she projects. 

Would Jade even want to be friends with her if she knew the real Tori? 

Beck and Jade had gotten into a fight over dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant, Jade details as they drink lemonade and lay together under Tori’s favorite blue blanket. While Beck was enthusiastically discussing the topic of their approaching anniversary, Jade had made a flippant remark that escalated into a verbal sparring match before the two were asked politely to leave the establishment. 

Tori is listening; she always listens, but this time she doesn’t have the strength to find the right words to help Jade. She feels so _exhausted_ and she hates herself for it. Nothing inside of her seems to work properly anymore, she realizes, and honestly, she’s not even surprised. 

She yearns for a time when she didn’t feel empty. 

“Tori?” whispers Jade against the shell of her ear. 

“Hmm?” 

“This is the part where you tell me how to fix my problem.” Jade’s voice is teasing and tickling against her skin. 

“I…,” Tori props herself onto one elbow, turning her head to look at the beauty behind her. “I can’t.” 

Jade frowns. “What do you mean you can’t?” She notices the panicked look in Tori’s wavering chocolate eyes. “Tori?” 

Jade tries to pull her in closer by wrapping an arm around her waist. 

Abruptly, Tori struggles for breath as a terrifying notion she had been denying slithers its way to the forefront of her thoughts. Jade is suddenly everywhere and Tori has never been claustrophobic but she feels like she’s suffocating in the goth’s orbit. She rips herself away from her friend, tripping in her sudden haste and falling out of the bed. Everything is a blur, her body running on autopilot, as she tugs on her shoes and bolts out the door. Trina tries to stop her in the hallway, asks her what the hell is happening, and Tori narrowly avoids stampeding over her older sister. 

As Tori flings the front door open and steps onto the patio, she hears a desperate and confused shriek of her name. It almost stops her hasty retreat. _Almost_. Because, in a moment of weakness, she finds herself craving Jade West’s embrace and her full, plush lips.

She slams the door closed behind her and takes off running, feet aching as they rub against the material of her shoe’s rubber sole. She forgot to put on socks, of course. The rise and fall of her feet as they slam against the pavement leave her gasping for breath. Bile rises at the back of her throat but she pushes it down, determined to keep going. She runs and runs and _runs_ until her aching feet and throbbing calves give out in front of a gas station. Her lungs fill with much-needed air and even then Tori thirsts for more. 

Stumbling into the gas station, she searches for relief in the worst of ways. The cashier raises an eyebrow when she places a BIC lighter and Marlboro cigarettes in front of him. 

“Can I see ID?” he asks, clearly not believing that she is over twenty-one. 

Tori hands him her fake and almost snorts when she recalls that the identification was Jade’s birthday gift to her. She’d never planned on using it; after her father’s death, she made a promise to herself to never consume alcohol again. Her vow doesn’t ease her guilty conscience when she pays for the cigarettes and lighter and walks out of the building. 

After multiple failed attempts and a string of curses from her lips, Tori finally figures out how to light the damn cigarette. She places the filter into her mouth, flicking the lighter’s spark-wheel as she does so. She cups a hand around it, far enough away so she does not burn herself, in order to protect the flame from the chilly night air. It’s at that moment - the moment her hand raises the flame to the tip of the cigarette - that a bone-chilling shudder courses through her body. The flame dances as Tori inhales, successfully lighting the cig. 

Expecting to hate it, she’s pleasantly surprised when she doesn’t mind the taste; it is probably a _very_ bad sign but Tori cannot find it in herself to care. Experimentally, another puff of smoke enters her lungs. The flavor of tobacco is weird but not unpleasant - like the first time she tried black coffee. A sudden rush fills her head when she takes the third drag and she concentrates on keeping herself upright. The cars parked outside the station mesh together until Tori can no longer identify the make and model of each one. 

She shifts her gaze to the street before jerking her head away when the streetlights prove too blinding. Screwing her eyes shut only somewhat counteracts her cloudy vision. A frozen picture of luminosity and blurred vehicles has imprinted itself behind her eyelids. She lets out a pitiful moan of agony as she sinks against the wall, uneven bricks raking painfully against her back on the way down. 

She is in love with Jade West’s all-consuming eyes; in love with the curves of Jade West’s body; in love with Jade West’s scent; in love with Jade West’s prickliness, darkness, and all of her flaws; in love with Jade West’s sassiness, hidden kindness, and all of her perfections. 

She is _in love_. With _Jade West_. 

The nicotine helps put her at ease.

* * *

She’s not sure how long she has been sitting in the same position, her back pressed against the uncomfortableness of the gas station, bones chilly from the dark night. 

Maybe an hour. 

Maybe two. 

Jade finds her as she is cupping her hands to light another cigarette. Tori stops, letting her hands rest on her extended legs, as she watches Jade’s midnight blue - black, thanks to the night’s sky - Camaro SS park in front of her. The goth pushes open her passenger door and raises a judgemental eyebrow at the cigarette dangling from the half-Latina’s mouth. 

“In.” It’s a command and, despite Jade lacking the domineering authority she usually possesses, Tori knows she should obey it. 

After a moment’s hesitation, Tori reluctantly pulls herself to her feet. She winces in pain as she stretches out her stiff body. With an audible pop, something in her back cracks before she steps toward the vehicle. Her legs move her forward cautiously. She doesn’t know how Jade is going to react. The other girl’s face is masked with calmness, but her back is rigid. When Tori gets close enough, Jade is quick to pull the cigarette from in-between her lips.

“Do you have a whole pack?” Jade sounds pissed off. 

“Yes,” says Tori, a firm edge to her voice. 

“Are you going to give it to me?” 

Tori is ready for an outburst when she says, “No.” 

Instead, all Jade does is heave a sigh, “Okay.” 

They drive to Tori’s house in silence, Jade’s eyes never leaving the road. Tori doesn’t want to look at the other girl, but she can’t help herself. If Jade were to look in her direction, Tori’s feelings would no doubt be exposed by the look in her eyes. 

She’s enthralled by Jade and she doesn’t know how it happened. There was no specific moment, at least that she can pinpoint, where she fell in love with Jade West. 

She supposes she had been falling since the moment they met, slowly but surely. The physical attraction came first. And then the more Jade allowed Tori to know her, the more in love Tori became. Until she was no longer falling. Until she had already _fallen_. 

As they turn onto her street, Tori has trouble keeping the tears from spilling over. She _loves_ Jade. Jade, who loves Beck. Who is, as far as she is aware, one-hundred-percent straight and has never demonstrated any interest in girls. She wants to laugh at her misfortune. It’s so _dandy_ , she thinks, that the girl who has endured nothing but suffering at the hands of love falls for someone she cannot have. 

She tries to rush out of the car the moment it comes to a stop but Jade’s firm grip prevents her escape. 

“Do you have any idea how worried your mother was? How scared your sister was?” Jade’s tone is authoritative. She is angry. So, so _angry_. The goth’s eyes tear into Tori. The strength of her grip is bruising and still increasing in pressure. Tori finds herself wincing in pain. 

“I don’t care.” She means it, at least where her mother is concerned. But she does feel her stomach sink at the mention of her sister. Tori tries to gently remove Jade’s hand from her arm but she is yanked toward, and almost over, the center console.

“Do you have any idea how _terrified_ I was?” Jade’s shaky words are barely audible and so unlike her that Tori isn’t sure she heard correctly. 

“W-What?” Their shoulders touch as Tori inhales lavender mint. 

“You can’t do that, Tori. You can’t run off like that. Whatever I said, I’m sorry, but you can’t do that again. Please.” Jade has never looked this vulnerable, this ready to _break_ \- not even when she broke up with Beck and showed up at Tori’s house during their Sophomore year. For a brief moment, Tori’s heart thunders as she wonders if Jade feels the same way. However, as quickly as the pounding starts, it screeches to a stop. “You’re my best friend.” 

Tori is helpless to stop the tightening of her throat as a cascade of free-flowing tears rolls down her cheeks. Her body becomes an uncontrollable mess. Hyperventilations make it nearly impossible to breathe. She rushes to cover her face with her hands to hide. It’s a futile attempt; Jade is already gathering her in her arms.

“It’s n-not your f-fault,” Tori hiccups. “You di-didn’t say anything.” 

Jade looks shocked, like she never expected Tori to break down like this, and Tori realizes that perhaps her friends thought her indestructible. “Then...what’s wrong?” 

Jade’s proximity and words against the crook of her neck cause Tori to shudder. Any remaining strength she has slowly slips away. 

“I can’t.” 

“Can’t what, Tori? Tell me.” It’s a plea. 

“I can’t.” 

“Tor-” 

“I _can’t._ ” It’s the only thing she knows how to say anymore. 

Jade flinches at her raised voice but quickly composes herself. “Okay. Okay. Let’s get you upstairs, okay?” 

Tori sniffles and nods, allowing Jade to scoop her into her arms and carry her inside. 

After setting Tori down in her bed, Jade talks with her mother and sister, assuring them that she is safe.

Tori is grateful for Jade’s willingness to face her family because she can’t do it. At least not now. She takes the opportunity to hide the cigarette pack and lighter underneath the hats she had long ago excluded from her wardrobe before changing into her pajamas. She crawls back into the bed, her tense body softening a little as she pulls the covers over herself. 

When Tori’s eyes begin to droop, a light knocking prevents her from falling asleep. “Come in.” 

The door opens and Jade steps in, her hands fidgeting at her sides. “I talked to your mom. I told her you need your rest, so she won’t mention anything about tonight for now. But I can’t promise you she won’t yell at you tomorrow.” 

“Thank you.”

Jade nods absent-mindedly, taking her time as she moves closer to the bed. Tori frowns, certain that Jade would want to leave now that she doesn’t have to worry about her. 

Instead, the other girl clears her throat. “I, uh, also called my mom. She...she said I could stay the night,” stammers Jade. Tori does not respond fast enough and Jade must take the silence as a ‘no’ to her unasked question because she hastily adds, “Only if you wanted.” 

“Please.” 

Relief washes over Jade as she visibly relaxes and Tori’s heart melts at the sight. 

The bed dips slightly under the weight of an additional body as the covers are pulled back. Everything surrounding her is _Jade_. But this time she does not panic. Instead, she revels in the girl’s presence. Jade catches her staring, a wide grin splitting her face. It isn’t teasing. Rather, it’s genuine. Tori’s stomach does a small flip. 

Jade’s hand reaches out tentatively, seemingly debating with herself, before she cups Tori’s cheek. Tori presses her face farther into the contact, enjoying the warmth of the girl she loves. Jade’s fingers trace the outline of her jaw before ghosting over the bump of her scar. 

“You never told me how you got this.” 

Tori swallows, suddenly nervous. “You never asked.” 

A black nail-polished thumb caresses the scar. “I’m asking now.” 

“My dad. Him and Mom were arguing about how much he had been working. She was yelling at him, telling him that he never spent time with me and Trina, which was so _stupid_ because she never spent time with us either. He-he threw a beer at her. But it, um, it hit the wall and one of the pieces of glass sliced my forehead open.” 

“Tori, I,” Jade is at a loss for words. Tori squeezes her arm, silently letting her know that she’s okay. “I didn’t know.” Jade wants to say something else, offer some sort of comfort, but her mouth is opening and closing. Tori doesn’t need something profound, though. 

Just Jade is more than enough. 

“Nobody does.”

“You mean, not even Andre?”

Tori shrugs. “He knows a little bit about my parents’ divorce. But I’ve never told him about the scar, no.” 

“Why did you tell me then?” Jade pulls Tori closer, wrapping her arms around her mid-section. 

“It felt right.”

Jade’s expression shifts, something akin to recognition in her features, as Tori turns herself so that her back is pressed to Jade’s front.

She is pretty sure Jade _knows_.

* * *

Her mom is not in the sea of parents on her graduation day due to a major work conflict. It doesn’t come as a surprise, and it doesn’t really bother her either. She is long past expecting anything from her mother. 

Trina, who has taken time off from her filming schedule, is there clapping when Tori walks the stage. Tori beams at her and takes her place next to her friends. Andre’s arms are around her and Robbie. Cat looks like she’s struggling to keep herself in one place and Tori giggles at her friend’s hyperactivity. Jade is pressed into Beck’s side, her head on his shoulder.

Her smile slips as a pang stabs at her heart.

* * *

Trina offers to take her to the cemetery to talk to their father. She contemplates it. But, what would she say to the headstone? She doesn’t have anything she is dying to tell him. And if it’s true that people watch over you after they are gone, then he knows she graduated. 

“No, thanks.” 

They head home instead and, after getting changed into more comfortable clothes, Trina breaks out the wine. She offers Tori a glass, but she declines. They sit on the couch in relative silence, with only occasional chatter. It’s obvious that Trina wants to talk more, probably to ask about Tori’s plans for the future, but she must sense her younger sister’s mood because she steers clear of the topic.

Fumbling with her phone, Tori’s thumb scrolls through her contact list until she reaches the last names starting with ‘W’. Subconsciously, she picks at her fingernail, gnawing at it as she stares down at the device. Before she can decide what to do, her screen lights up, displaying _Jade West_. She answers before the first ring can finish.

“Hello?” 

“Tor,” her heart flutters at Jade’s use of her nickname, “where are you?” 

“Home. Why, what’s up?” She hopes she doesn’t sound too excited. 

“I’m coming to pick you up. The group is going to celebrate.”

“Graduation?”

“Graduation. And...I got into CalArts.” 

Tori is off the couch in an instant, bouncing up and down in excitement. “You did?!”

Trina watches her in amusement, sipping on her glass of red wine, and Tori sticks her tongue out. 

Jade laughs heartily at her enthusiasm. “Looks like you’re stuck with me as your roommate after all, Tor. I’ll be there in ten minutes. Be ready.”

* * *

They eat at Nozu and, obligatorily, discuss their plans for the coming years. 

Tori finds comfort in knowing that none of them are straying too far away from one another. Most of the group is going to CalArts, a fact that still amazes her due to the school’s low acceptance rate. The only two who aren’t are Andre and Robbie. Andre is starting his contract with Warner Records over the summer as their newest artist and Robbie is joining the comedy show Trina stars in as a series regular. Cat plans to grow her YouTube channel over break, which is already on the verge of 500,000 subscribers. Beck wants to take the summer to finish writing the screenplay for a movie he has been pouring his energy into. Jade is filming for a small role in a zombie movie.

Tori feels like the odd one out. Her summer, in comparison, is nowhere near as eventful. She wants to pursue her songwriting but lately, she can tell something is off. She had hit a mental block. She knows what she wants to write, what she’s trying to convey through her lyrics, but her brain can’t put it onto paper. 

Her expression must betray her because Andre clears his throat. “So, Tori, I was gonna wait until later to bring this up but...some of the songs I was discussing with the label need a female vocalist. And I might have mentioned that I know an extremely talented up-and-coming artist.” 

“No.” She straightens in her seat, forgetting to keep her voice down.

Andre laughs, rubbing his hands together. “Oh, yes.” 

She throws her arms around him with a squeal.

* * *

At age twenty-three, the woman she loves becomes engaged to one of her best friends. 

Somehow, even though she works so often with Jade and Beck that she spends more days with them than without them, she is the last of their high school group to hear the news. Andre is the one to tell her over a phone call. She’s not sure why she feels betrayed when he invites her to the small party Jade is hosting in celebration. Maybe because she expected Jade would tell her herself. 

The four of them are best friends after all. They work together on most projects; Jade and Beck often feature on Tori and Andre’s albums and Tori and Andre often play roles in Jade and Beck’s movies. Typically, if you wanted one of them, you got all four. So, _maybe_ she feels hurt when she finds out Sinjin knew about the engagement before her. 

The party is at Jade’s beach house in Malibu. The house is large and obscene in every sense of the word, with a modern and monotone aesthetic and a half-circle balcony overlooking the ocean. There are flashes of bright colors sprinkled thoughtfully throughout the house in the form of decorations such as paintings and plants. Most had been suggestions from Tori. 

Unsure what to wear, she ends up settling on a white floral sundress that falls just past her knees. It has a small, relatively unnoticeable pocket at the apex of her outer right thigh. Her eyeshadow is smokey with a faint black liner. Clear lip balm adorns her mouth and her cheekbones are contoured a shade deeper than normal. Elegant but not over-the-top, Tori is satisfied. She wants to look beautiful around Jade, even if she doesn’t get to look beautiful _for_ Jade. 

Behind her mask of friendly smiles, warm laughs, and over-enthusiastic words, she is miserable. Everyone is enjoying themselves except her. 

Cat, Robbie, and Rex engross themselves in a conversation about Cat’s success as a YouTuber with Sinjin and his new girlfriend by the crackling fireplace. Meanwhile, she is sitting at the kitchen’s granite island with Beck, Jade, Andre, and Andre’s long-time girlfriend, Kira, who is of Japanese and Korean descent. But, while she is in their presence, she isn’t truly _there_. 

Guiltily, she feels envious of her friends’ love lives. Every single one of them is in a happy relationship: Cat and Robbie, Sinjin and Melody, Andre and Kira, _Jade and Beck_. They’ve all asked at one point or another when they get to meet her future husband or future wife. She is grateful for their love and support after she came out as bisexual, but it’s a question she can’t answer. Robbie and Cat think she’s hiding a girlfriend out of some sort of residual embarrassment.

She’s dated guys and girls openly for a few years. And while most of them did not do anything wrong, Tori found herself ending her relationships with them. She liked them. But she didn’t love them. Not like she loves Jade. And, if her parents taught her anything, it’s to never stay in a relationship that she’s no longer happy in. 

Jade must sense something is off because she tugs Tori towards the bar area. Her grip is not rough, not like it was back during high school. Rather, it is soft, barely there. She trusts that Tori will go where she is guided and if Jade is the one leading, Tori will always follow. 

“You okay?” asks Jade, her voice laced with concern as she looks over her best friend. 

Tori slips into her carefully crafted facade, honed by years of acting, and smiles brightly. “Of course!”

“You sure? Because you seemed like you were in Tori-land back there.” 

Tori nods, adding the appropriate amount of excitement to her voice when she speaks next. “I’m good. I was just thinking about how happy I am for everyone, especially you. This wedding has been a long time coming. I’m surprised it took Beck this long to propose.” 

Jade’s frown is evidence that she is not buying what Tori is selling. Anybody else would have believed Tori. Fooling people - even herself - has become second-nature to her over the years. But Jade has been on-stage and in front of the cameras with Tori since high school. “Are you? Happy, I mean. For me and Beck?” 

She wraps Jade in a smothering hug, burying her face into her neck. “Of course I am, bestie.” 

It isn’t entirely a lie, but it also isn’t entirely the truth. She _is_ happy for Jade because Jade deserves a love as captivating as the shining stars of the night’s sky. But she is also heartbroken that she doesn’t get to be the one who gives it to her. 

Beck calls to Jade from the kitchen, asking her to supplement a story he is telling Kira. 

As Jade pulls away to join her future husband, Tori recognizes that the heartbreak is no longer the same as it used to be. An aching emptiness is no longer what plagues her cracked heart. Instead, it is an explosive, thundering desolation that squeezes around her entire being. Thankful for her acting capabilities, she keeps smiling at Jade until, after one last scrutinizing look, her best friend heads to the other room. 

Once she is sure she is alone, she collapses against the bar counter. Her equilibrium is off and up is down, right is left, and left is up. Ugly sobs blind her as scalding wetness ruins her perfectly applied makeup. Before she can get too loud, she grabs the nearest bottle of alcohol from the bar. She can’t see the name, but she knows it’s some type of Scotch. _This is a god-awful idea,_ the recesses of her thoughts scream at her. 

But everything is too loud and too hot and she needs to leave. 

Slipping out the balcony sliders, she locates a hidden spot underneath a rock formation farther down the strip of sand. She hasn’t drunk alcohol since Jade’s small party during their Junior year and the substance tests the aptitude of her gag reflexes but she forces herself to gulp down a quarter of the decent-sized bottle. Reaching into her pocket, she draws a Marlboro from her pack and lights it. A deep drag dulls her panic somewhat but it isn’t enough. She doesn’t know if anything will be enough anymore. 

_“What’s the point of love?”_

As she gazes at the sunset, the slow filling of a darkening sky with specks of brightness powered by nuclear fusion reactions, she knows she has her answer.

There is no point.


End file.
